Free To Be You, Not Me
by supernaturalsammy67
Summary: When Dean took out the knife, Sam's heart beat pistoned. Tag to 'The End'.
1. Chapter 1

**Tag to 'The End'. Because I could NOT resist those damn eyes. Omg...after weeks of .**

**I had to write it.-Not the bed part...ohh no. That would be...erm...oh, that's a nice thought, I might leave this now...eeeee**

**Summary: When Dean took out the knife, Sam's heart beat pistoned. It's Dean's job to tell him it's okay. Angst. Season 5.**

**Warning: maybe a litttle swearing, Sam centred...as is my vagina. hahaha! I'm so sorry, I'm keeping that in. It is not getting deleted.**

**Disclaimer: So apart from being extrememly crude, I do not own that beautiful boy, or his talents...I'm sorry kripke. Yes I lied, **__**I know how...just brilliant those lads are. I'm sorry I tried to steal them. Yeah yeah I get it! Yours! Not Mine!**

**Written because, I think I love scared Sam in the face of Dean...and hurtSam/DrunkSam/DarkSam/SleepySam/SweetSam/oh! all!!! yay**

So, this was it. He'd got the call for a go ahead, a meet-up, when just a few hours before that, Dean was telling him, no, he couldn't be back on the team, he never could.

So Sam was a little nervous.

The impala was already there, parked and set up, with his ex-older brother sat on her hood, hands in pockets.

This was the same place they'd met John after taking an antique colt for the original, where they'd tried to cross a Demon and it had ended one of the worse ways of their lives.

Sam took his foot off the accelerator, slowly eased the break and ended the ignition. He didn't pocket the keys, left them on the seat when he got out, didn't think Dean would like rumaging through his corpse pockets to get rid of the car he'd rigged for this time.

Sam swallowed. This was it. The least he could do was accept when his brother had called earlier, asking if they could talk, and maybe this was for the best, Sam thought. That if his brother decided what he should do and went through with it, the world would benefit, including Dean.

Sam's heart sped up as he walked upto Dean, his face was set in stone as usual so he couldn't gauge an emotion, as of late though, anger should be just under the surface.

Sam stopped, air blowing in a nervous rush through his lips. Hands in pockets, puppy facing-Dean.

His brother shifted, his hand going somewhere Sam couldn't see in his jacket and he stood up, hand shuffling and then a familiar _shink_ as a weapon unsheathed, and Ruby's knife was held in Dean's hand, pointing Sam.

He couldn't breathe, his mouth felt dry as air tried to rush in as he gasped.

Sam couldn't hide the abrupt flinch he made when Dean flashed the weapon, and he couldn't take away the hurt in his eyes when Dean frowned at him.

"Sam" Dean said darkly.

Immediately he closed his eyes, begged his body not to slip and let him wimper and Sam fisted his hands in his pockets. He wasn't fighting Dean.

"Open your eyes" It was a demand if Sam ever heard one and he hesitantly felt compelled, looking down and at the suddenly incredible tree to his left, anywhere but Dean.

"Hey" Dean said again. "look at me"

There was a moment in Sam that he felt a sudden heat of anger, repulsion and fear and when he looked into Dean's eyes and his brother was holding the knife out to him, to take it, he felt even more fear and repulsion. So he didn't want Sam to watch as he killed him and see the light leave his eyes, he wanted Sam to do it himself?

Sam frowned, swallowed again and slowly, very slowly shakily held his hand out to take the knife, he'd be lying if he said it didn't feel good to hold it again, like he used to, fighting alongside his brother, but this moment was still hard and he fought the fist-sized knot in his throat.

It was cold, despite the length of time Dean had been holding it and the vertical and horizontal slits to its design were still as sharp as ever.

Sam breathed out, held the hilt in both hands and turned it on himself.

"Whoah-Hey!" Dean yanked back on Sam's arm, forcefully tugging the knife away and into his own.

"What the hell..." Dean barked, softening his tone when he saw the tears dripping off Sam's face, how his little brothers chin trembled. "What are you doing Sam?"

Sam tilted his head, his lips curling as he sobbed, once, another tear.

"You..." His eyebrows met. "You wanted me to do this..." His nostril flared, he swallowed again and then rushed out a breath of air, sounding like he was in pain.

Dean looked horrified to the knife, tossing it behind him instantly and rushing to grab Sam by the shoulders and shake him.

"No! No, Sam...what were you doing?...What did I want?"

Sam cried out in fear more than physical pain when Dean's strong hands trapped him. He shook his hand and weakly tried to bat Dean away, he didn't want to fight again, not like this- they were brothers, he just wanted to put it right.

"Y-you wanted to kill mm-e"

Dean's eyes darted to each of Sam's wide, honest, terrified...of him? eyes. He opened his mouth but he had no idea what to say, too confused and earthly shocked to say anything.

"Sammy..." Dean began to shake his head, his fears, what he'd seen the future-not-Sam do to his future-not-self, confusing yes but...why would his Sam ever think...ever-

"You have to" It was thick, and coated with a begging plea Dean couldn't ignore. He released his brother, pushing him back in a short burst of anger.

"What were you thinking!? No...no, okay. That is _not _going to happen ever!" Dean strode upto his little brother again, fisting his shirt and shaking Sam again, scare him as much as he could out of it. "NO!" He barked. "You hear me? Don't ever even dare fucking think of that again!"

Dean gave a harsh shove and Sam tipped, toppelled and hit his back on his car.

"What the hell gave you that dumb ass idea?" Dean asked softly, his voice thick and he was suprised to feel a wet patch on his own cheeks.

"You're the only one who can" Sam said it so quietly, Dean wasn't sure he heard correctly but as Sam slowly sat up, the dent in the car bonnet popping when he slid free, Sam looked at him, like the kid who'd lost his girlfriend and the boy without a childhood.

"What?" Dean panted.

"Lucifer...he'll just bring me back" Sam's eyes took on a glossy sheen and he blinked as if he wasn't really there. "I can't get out...you're the only one who can do it. I'd be saving you" Sam whispered. "He won't stop looking for me-they won't stop-"

"Sam, I was just in twenty-freakin-judgement-day,if we split, if I lose you...the world ends Sam. I came here to talk to you, and you...you thought-"

"Zach?" Sam asked worriedly, stepping forward.

"Yeah, Zach. It's not good Sam...I know we'd never let em in, we'd never say yes"

Dean watched his brother shake his head as his lips shivered. "No, no...this was the only way" Sam confessed.

"No it's not. We have to be a team again, listen...in the future, you said yes, because I left you, because I said no to us being a team again...I know what I'm supposed to do."

Sam glanced at him fearfully.

"We're supposed to stay as brothers. And I've pushed you away enough..."

There was a tense moment of stand off, both brothers breathing strongly, standing tall.

"I'm sorry" Dean breathes and something akin to shock flickers in Sam's eyes.

Sam looks like he's deflating, still giving Dean that beaten puppy look.

"I'm so sorry" Sam finally says, closing his eyes as a lone tear falls.

Dean closes the space between them.

"We need to go, together...we're going to keep low Sam, okay? He's not going to find you and I'm not going to leave you"

Dean gets a flash of Lucifer-Sam, smiling down at him. _Hello Dean._

Then looking at that little brother before him, that _terrified self sacrificing baby_ brother, and Dean felt a weight of sadness descend suddenly on him and as Sam blinked at him, fear still shining in those hazel eyes.

"C'mon Sammy" Dean whispers.

Sam doesn't flinch this time when Dean's hands hold him, because he heard that whisper like a shout.

Sam closes his eyes.

_Dean. _

It's all he ever wanted.


	2. Chapter 2

**This is another chapter because there was one more thing I wanted to do...**

**I apologise for my crudeness in the earlier part :) What can I say...I'm, extrememly crude. :)**

**For some reason, I've got a sudden lust for scared Sam in the fact Dean fics...and I can't stop writing them. Oh well...:)**

**Summary: Brothery.**

**Warning: I liikkee.**

**Disclaimer: Dang...I don't own em, crush my hope more eh ff...**

"Sam, you okay?"

His eyes were open, forced and staring hard, as hard as he could trying to concentrate anyway.

He couldn't sleep, he couldn't do that because he'd find him...and no-**no**-Sam can't do that to Dean now. Not when they're a team again.

"Sam?" It's even more worried.

"M'fine...really"

Dean frowns, because _that _was so convincing.

"Go to sleep, it's gonna be another few hours" Dean shrugs, another glance to Sam. "You need some sleep Sam"

Sam breathes deeply, sighs it out again, his hands are rubbing along his knees, any kind of movement to focus on except closing his eyes. He blinks furiously.

_Wake up Winchester._

"I'm not tired" Sam says, it's laced and heavy with lack of sleep.

Dean doesn't say anything, he's watching the kid in the left mirror and despite his stubborness, Sam's eyes start to close on their own and this time to sudden snapping open reaction isn't working.

Dean watched as Sam's eyes drift shut and his neck tilts back.

He smiles, finally he's getting some sle-

Sam jerks forward, eyes wide and panicked and his breathing like he's panting, like he can't get breath. Sam gasps, doesn't unfold his now tense form.

"Sammy...close your eyes"

Sam's eyes stay wide open. "No" He hitches.

Dean's finding it hard to drive and demand whats good for his brother so he slows the car, pulls up.

"You need rest. How much sleep did you have before you met up with me? Sam you-re gonna wear yourself out and then how are we supposed to say no..." Dean pauses, the look on his brothers face is pure fear. "Sammy?"

"You're right...I can't sleep Dean- he's there, just in my head waiting...he said he wouldn't stop- but I don't sleep- I get weak...I slip up and then...he's got me...he's got me trapped"

Sam's breathing like he's run a marathon and Dean's sure that's not a good sign.

"Hey, hey...Sammy, calm down...hey" Dean holds Sam's forearms. "Breathe man"

Sam sags, his eyes falling shut and his constant staying awake sessions doing nothing to quell his fears as he tips back to Dean's soft soothing words.

"Shhhh...Sammy, he can't find you now...not now, he's just in your head- it isn't real" Dean strokes his thumb over Sam's bare flesh. "He's not real, you're safe Sammy...go to sleep"

Sam's eyes fall shut to the image of Dean leaning over him, the feeling of warmth and comforting words.

"Can't...Lucifer...he wants...I can't...No...gotta say no"

The cars interior is filled with deep breathing, then the ignition and a steady drive onto the highway.

Dean driving, rock music turned low and his baby brother sleeping shotgun- it's how it was always meant to be.

"We gotta say no" Dean nods defiantly as the impala disappears into the night.

**TA DAH! :)**

**Thanks for readin g lovies! I'm off to take a course in 'nice talk'. Bah! Fuck of society.**

**:) Fucking love you Supernatural, see ya friday? yeah?**


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